Not Another Bloody Quest!
by Metal Gear Prime
Summary: CHAPTER 6 IS FINALLY UP! The gang find themselves back at Burmecia where they have the good fortune to catch a film premiere...P.S. Sorry for the delay, I've been snowed under as of late. Anyway, enjoy y'all!
1. Say, I've got a great idea...

Not Another Bloody Quest!

By Kingdom of Deke

Summary: Bored with living the good life in a massive castle, Zidane and Garnet decide to get the old team together for one final mission. It'll all end in tears…

Timeline: Takes place three years after the ending of FF9.

Disclaimer: I don't own FF9, Squaresoft does. Wish I did though…

Reviews please!

Chapter 1: Say, I've got a great idea…

We start off in Alexandria. The people of this fair burg are enjoying life as they should be; singing, laughing, loving, basically everything you'd expect people to do before TVs were invented.

Let's see what a particular young couple are up to shall we?

**Robert: **Rinoa, there's something I've been wanting to ask you for sometime now…

**Rinoa **(NOT the one from FF8)**: **Really, Robert? What is it?

Robert reaches into his pocket and produces a small velvet covered box.

**Robert: **Rinoa Almasy, will you m- URK!

Robert collapses face first on the ground.

**Rinoa: **ROBERT?!

She kneels down next to him and spots the tranquilizer dart in his the back of his neck.

**Rinoa **(turning towards the castle)**: **DAMN YOU, YOU BIG SHOT ROYAL TYPES! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

*****

Cut to the highest tower in the castle, where Garnet and Zidane can be seen at the window. Garnet is holding a smoking tranquilizer gun.

**Garnet: **HA! Got one!

**Zidane **(looking through a pair of binoculars)**: **Don't be too happy. It was only a peasant.

**Garnet: **Wha? (takes binoculars) Ooh, wait though! I still get double points for the angry fiancée hopping around, so that leaves me with a grand total of…

She walks over to a big white board which is inscribed with both Zidane and Garnet's names. Under each one is a number corresponding to a target. The targets include 'Peasant', 'Butler', 'Solider' and 'Visiting Dignitary'. Garnet writes in her score under her side of the board and counts them up. She smiles.

**Garnet: **YAHOOIE! I win!

**Zidane: **Ah man!

Garnet prances around the room in a frenzy of ecstasy. After five minutes she stops and stares at Zidane who stares back. 

Silence.

**Zidane: **Soooo…what now?

**Garnet: **I dunno.

After a few more minutes of staring and silence they sigh and sit on the king-size bed. 

**Garnet: **When we got married, is this how you envisioned we'd spend our weekends together? Playing a few games of 'Shoot the Subject'?

**Zidane: **Meh. I never thought I'd live this long.

After a few more seconds of silence Garnet jumped off the bed.

**Garnet: **GAH! An oglop!

**Oglop **(coming up from under the sheets)**: **Oglop noise! Oglop noise!

Zidane picks up the cute little critter with both hands, carries him over to the window and boots him out of the castle.

**Oglop: **Scrrrrrreeeeeeewwwwww yyyyoooouuuuuuu ggguuuuuuuyyyyyysss!

*****

Rinoa watches as the Alexandrian Ambulance takes Robert away.

**Rinoa: **Fear not, my love. Even if it takes me till next week you shall have…REVENGE! HAHAHAHAHAHHA-

The oglop comes crashing down on Rinoa's head.

*WHACK!*

**Rinoa: **URK!

*****

Back at the castle…

**Garnet: **Well, that was fun. Anyhoo, I've just had a great idea! Let's go on another quest!

**Zidane: **Another quest?

**Garnet: **Sure! We could get the old team back together and then head off on a wild, exciting, CGI filled adventure to find some mystical do-hickey or other. It'll be fun!

Garnet can see Zidane isn't really into it, so she snuggles up next to him.

**Garnet: **C'mon Zidane it'll be great! I mean, there's got to be more to life than fantastic sex fourteen times a day right? Let's go find (looks at a brochure) the Eye of Losstarot! It's bound to take us 60+ hours to find, plus we get to listen to that kick-ass musical score again.

**Zidane: **Alright, you've convinced me! Watch out world, here we come!

**Both: **YAHOOIE!

*****

Meanwhile, on a grassy hill not far from Alexandria, a flaming portal opened up in the ground. After much grunting and swearing, three figures climbed out. Although badly singed, we can recognize them as Black Waltzes 1, 2 and 3. They are wearing expressions of both unbridled glee and intense pain.

**Black Waltz 1: **See, I told you I could zap us out of hell!

**Black Waltz 2: **Yep, that you did.

Silence.

**Black Waltz 3: **Anyone else fancy blacking out?

**Black Waltz 2: **Ooh yes, that would be lovely.

They do so.

To Be Continued…


	2. Steiner

Chapter 2: Steiner

Back at Alexandria Castle…

**Zidane **(walking into the main hall with the Ultima Weapon)**: **Right then, are we set?

**Dagger **(equipped with the Tiger Racket)**: **Yep, all set.

**Zidane **(looking up at the previous line)**: **You're going to call yourself Dagger again?

**Dagger: **Of course! I have to be inconspicuous after all.

**Zidane: **…Why?

**Dagger: **Why not?

**Zidane: **Why do you always avoid my questions?

At this point a ship can be heard coming into the port.

**Dagger: **Say, why don't we watch the ship come in?

Dagger leaves the hall.

**Zidane: **I hate it when she does that.

Zidane exits the hall.

*****

Alexandria Port…

Dagger and Zidane rush down to the port to see the new ship in. It's a pretty shabby looking junk that looks as if it'll fall apart if anyone happens to breathe on it. A flag adorned with a particular symbol is flying from the mast. Dagger is staring at it intensely.

**Zidane: **What's wrong?

**Dagger: **That symbol…I've seen it before…

As soon as the ship has docked a pirate pokes his head over the side.

**Pirate: **Ahoy, maties! Have ye any goods at all, arr!

Zidane and Dagger's eyes bug out.

**Dagger/Zidane: **BLUTZEN?!?!

**Blutzen:**…YOUR HIGHNESSES?!?!

At the sound of his voice, the other former members of the Knights of Pluto, (Kohel, Laudo, Dojebon, Breireicht, Weimar, Haagen and Melgentheim), looked over the side and repeat what Blutzen said, only in progressively higher tones. Both sides stare at each other in shock for a few seconds before a really deep voice booms out.

**Voice: **ARRR MATIES! WHAT BE THE HOLDUP?!

At this point Aldelbert Steiner pops into view. He is dressed exactly as he was when he was a knight, except now he has two hooks for hands, two peg legs and two eye patches. His normal hat has been replaced by a traditional pirate captain's hat with a feather in it and the skeleton of a long dead parrot is perched on his shoulder.

**Dagger: **…Oh dear god.

**Zidane: **There's never a camera around when you need one is there?

**Steiner: **Arr! There be two voices which be sounding mighty familiar to my ears. Do they be familiar to you too, Polly? 

**Polly: **…

**Steiner: **Fine, be that way.

**Kohel: **Uh, C-Captain…

**Steiner: **Arr! What be it, First Mate Kohel?

**Weimar: **I thought I was the first mate…

**Dojebon: **You mean it's not me?

**Steiner: **SILENCE!

Steiner walks toward where he thinks the insubordination is, and does it quite well considering his 'feet' are only about a centimeter in diameter, when he unsurprisingly walks into the well-battered mast.

**Steiner: **Ugh…I said it before and I'll say it again. This mast be pine, says I!

Zidane and Dagger exchange looks before deciding to talk with the deranged loon.

**Dagger: **Um, Steiner…

**Steiner: **Arr! Be that Queen Garnet I hear?

**Dagger: **It be…I mean yes! It's me.

**Steiner: **Arr! And be that long tailed Polliwag be there with you?

**Zidane: **…I thought you got over your dislike of me.

**Steiner: **Times change, monkey boy.

**Zidane **(very angry)**: **AAARRRRRRGGGHHH!

**Steiner: **…uh-oh.

*****

A severe beating later…

**Dagger: **So, why are you guys suddenly pirates?

**Steiner **(scrabbling around the deck for his missing teeth)**: **Arr! You see, Your Majesty, it be happenin' after Beatrix decided to be goin' on adventures to far away places rather than stay with me.

**Zidane **(constantly sliding Steiner's teeth out of his reach)**: **Big surprise…

**Steiner **(ignoring Zidane)**: **Anyways, I be deciding to get me lads together to form a new group and sail around the world, looking for romance, adventures and riches. We be even callin' ourselves a new name.

**Dagger: **And that would be…?

**Steiner: **Lads?

**Lads: **THE PIRATES OF PLUTO!!!

**Dagger: **…What?

**Laudo: **We've even got our own song!

Haagen blows on a duck whistle as the rest of the pirates besides Steiner line up.

**Haagen: **And a one and a two and a…

**Pirates: **Oh we're the-

**Zidane: **All right that's quite enough.

**Melgentheim: **But-

**Zidane **(drawing the Ultima Weapon)**: **I _said_, that's quite enough.

**Melgentheim: **Aye, aye!

The pirates quickly disembark.

**Dagger: **Well that was close. Okay Steiner, here's the dilly-o for yo' badass self, aight?

**Zidane/Steiner:** …

**Dagger: **What? I'm not allowed to use anything other than Royal English? 

**Zidane/Steiner: **…

**Dagger: **Sheesh. Anyway, Zidane and I are bringing the old team back together to find the Eye of Losstarot. 

**Steiner: **Why? Arr!

**Zidane: **Stop that. Nothing else better to do.

**Dagger: **So then, will you join us?

Steiner takes a moment to think.

**Steiner: **Arr! Your quest be a noble and insane one. I'll be happy to accompany you!

**Dagger: **Great! But how are you going to fight without any hands, feet or eyes?

**Steiner: **No need to worry about that!

A popping sound can be heard as Steiner unbuckles the hooks from within, sliding them off his unharmed hands. He removes the eye patches to reveal his perfect eyes and slides his feet out of the peg legs.

**Dagger: **…How did you fit them in there?!?

**Steiner: **Nighttime yoga classes.

Finally Steiner removes his pirate's hat to reveal his old feathered one.

**Steiner: **All right, let's go! You ready Polly?

**Polly: **…

**Steiner: **…Polly?

**Zidane: **I wouldn't look on your shoulder if I were you…

Steiner looks on his shoulder.

**Steiner **(in complete horror)**: **POLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

**Zidane: **I told you not to look.

*****

Back on the grassy hill not far from Alexandria…

**Black Waltz 3**: AHH! Not like blacking out to recover from a few years in hell. Hey 1, see anything?

**Black Waltz 1 **(looking through a telescope pointed at Alexandria)**: **Nothing yet…wait! Someone's coming this way!

The other Waltzes look through their own miniature telescopes.

**Black Waltz 2: **Perfect! A guinea pig on which to test our skills on!

**Black Waltz 1/3: **YEAH!

The Waltzes run toward the person, who happens to be Rinoa who is still dazed from her encounter with the Flying Oglop.

**Black Waltzes **(leaping out at her)**: **BOO!

Rinoa looks at them. Where most people would see three warped Black Mages Rinoa, thanks to a mild concussion, saw them as Dagger and Zidane. Grinning evilly, she whipped out a massive machete.

**Rinoa: **DIE!

**Black Waltzes: **EEEK!

Rinoa proceeds to chase the Waltzes around the field, screaming demonic curses as she does so.

To Be Continued…


	3. Freya

Chapter 3: Freya

Alexandria Port…

Zidane walks up to Steiner and Dagger at the port.

**Zidane: **Okay then, are we set?

**Steiner: **Did you give my Polly a decent burial?

**Zidane: **Uhhh…yeah, I did.

Flashback

Zidane can be seen talking to a blind little boy with a wooden leg. The skeletal parrot is inside a rather beat up cage.

**Boy: **Oh boy, a real live parrot! How much?

**Zidane: **For you? Only 300 hundred Gil. And don't worry if Polly doesn't speak a lot, he's just very shy.

**Boy: **Deal!

End Flashback

**Steiner: **Well, so long as Polly rests in a better place I'm happy.

**Dagger: **Alright then, let's begin. First we need a mode of transportation.

**Steiner: **Say, I've got a great idea! Let's use my ship, 'The Sword of the Seas'!

All three of them look toward Steiner's termite infested junk.

**Zidane: **I've got a better idea. Let's not.

**Dagger: **Besides we were going to use our new airship.

**Steiner: **You have a new airship?

**Zidane: **Yep! Just got finished last month. It's really something. Come and have a look see!

So the Three Amigos left the port and headed topside. There in gleaming silver lay the giant royal airship, big, flashy and heavily armed.

**Dagger: **It's called the 'Sky Goddess'. Neat, huh?

Steiner says nothing but goes completely green from ship envy.

*****

Burmecia…

And so the Power of Three headed off in their massive airship on their brand new adventure.  Not much happened on the way to Burmecia (they were headed here for supplies), save for a game of 'What's That Cloud Look Like' which came up when they ran into a drift of oddly shaped clouds. The game ended suddenly when a cloud which looked like a particularly naughty sex act came along which Zidane immediately identified whereupon Steiner smacked him upside the head. Short story cut even shorter, it was midnight when the trio landed outside Burmecia. As they wearily trudged into the town a gang of criminals assaulted them.

**Criminal #1 **(opening up a switchblade)**: **Hands up and give us all your money hyuk hyuk!

Zidane, Dagger and Steiner respond by whipping out their weapons.

**Criminal #1 **(hastily closing the switchblade)**: **Or go about your business any way you wish it's all the same to us!

**Voice from the shadows: **NOT SO FAST!

Everyone looks up to see a shadowy figure perched on a rooftop holding a long spear.

**Criminal #2: **Oh dear lord it's HER!

**Criminal #3: **RUN!!

The criminals run off as the figure leaps down to the ground with admirable grace.

**Figure: **Pray tell, art thou weary travelers alright?

The trio gaze at the figure with a great deal of surprise. She is dressed in a pink dragoon's outfit with a coat of arms on the front while her pointy hat is pulled down over the top half of her face.

**Dagger/Zidane/Steiner: **…FREYA?!?

From the eyeholes of her hat-cum-mask Freya's eyes sparkled with shock.

**Freya: **HO! How dost thou knoweth my true identity?

**Dagger: **Huh? Freya, it's me! Dagger!

**Freya: **I'm sorry stranger, but thine face is as unfamiliar to me as the sun of a new day.

**Zidane: **…Could you please not talk like that?

**Another Voice From The Shadows: **I'm afraid she will not recognize you.

The four of them turned to face the speaker, who stepped out to reveal himself to be…

**Dagger/Zidane/Steiner: **LORD FLATLEY!

**Freya: **BLUEBIRD!

**Steiner: **…Bluebird?

**Freya: **Dost thou knowst these strangers Bluebird?

**Lord Flatley **(sighing)**: **Yes, I do. (to the Doomsday Three)I'm afraid that Freya had lost her memory.

**Dagger: **What?! How?!?

**Lord Flatley: **Um…well…

Flashback – about a year ago

Freya and Lord Flatley are in a random field and are being menaced by a giant crab, which seems impervious to their Jump attacks and spear thrusts. 

**Freya: **This might be the end, my love!****

**Lord Flatley: **Perhaps not! Mayhap bludgeoning the beast's hide will provide better results!

Flatley gets in front of Freya and lifts his spear over his head and quickly smashes it down on to the crab. The cranky crustacean squeals in pain and cracks web out from the point of impact. Unfortunately, he had inadvertently whacked Freya on the head when he first lifted the spear and continues to do so as he rains blow after blow on the crab. Eventually the creature lay dead and broken. 

**Lord Flatley: **Huzzah, my love we are- (looks behind him) FREYA!!

End Flashback

**Lord Flatley: **The blows Freya received to the head induced a sort of amnesia which wiped out her identity and the knowledge of people she had met. When she first gazed into a puddle she saw a reflection of herself wearing her hat like a mask. This along with her spear convinced her she was a vigilante fighting crime and saving the innocent. From that day on she called herself…DRAGOON WOMAN!!!

There is an awkward silence, prompting Flatley to continue.

**Lord Flatley: **And when she saw me she figured that I was her sidekick, whereupon she christened me Bluebird. Please don't ask why.

Another silence.

**Zidane: **I'm sorry but…Dragoon Woman?

**Freya: **And pray what is wrong with such a noble name?

Zidane opens his mouth to speak but Dagger quickly intervenes before he can cause any damage.

**Dagger: **Look, seeing as how we've found you, would you like to join us on our quest to recover the Eye of Losstarot?

**Freya: **Why do you seek such a bauble?

Dagger thinks for a moment.

**Dagger: **We seek it to keep it out of the hands of the dread scientist Doctor…um…

**Zidane: **Sebastian D. Lunatic!

**Dagger: **Yeah! That's it! Dr. Sebastian D. Lunatic, who plans to use the Eye to…err…

**Steiner: **Control the world's mackerel population!

**Freya: **Why wouldst the fiend do such a thing?

**Dagger **(shrugging)**: **Why not?

**Freya: **Goodish point. Very well! I shall join thee on thy noble quest!

**Dagger: **Excellent! We'll rest at the inn and head out at first light.

**Steiner: **Why first light?

**Dagger **(shrugging)**: **Why not?

**Steiner: **Fair enough.

*****

Back in Alexandria…

**Dojebon: **Hey, where's Captain Steiner gone?

To Be Continued…


	4. Vivi

Chapter 4: Vivi

The Fearsome Foursome are asleep in their inn room when Zidane wakes up with a start.

**Zidane: **What was that?!?

He looks over at Steiner at the far end of the room.

**Steiner **(asleep)**: **Why of course Mr. Kipling…I would love to try your new kitten flavored cakes…

**Zidane: **…!

Suddenly a fireworks display goes off nearby, startling Steiner, Dagger and Freya awake.

**Freya: **GADZOOKS! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! (dives under the bed)

Dagger gets out of bed and looks out the window.

**Dagger: **Hey! There's a traveling show going on in the town center! Let's go see what it's about!

**Zidane: **But it's four in the morning.

**Dagger: **I SAID, let's go!

**Zidane: **Yes dear.

**Steiner: **(makes a whipping noise as soon as Dagger's left the room)

**Zidane: **Oh shut up.

*****

At the Big Top…

**Steiner: **I do hope this is worthwhile. I was having a dream.

**Dagger: **Really? How was it?

**Steiner: **Exceedingly good.

They arrive at a massive stage. The lights are dimmed. Presently a woman wearing a long fur coat, wildly expensive jewelry and a fedora with an eight-foot ostrich plume in it came onto the stage.  

**Zidane: **…MIKOTO?!?

**Mikoto: **Welcome ladies and gentlemen! It is my great pleasure to welcome you to…THE ULTRA HYPER MEGA CUTE BLACK MAGE SHOW!!!

**Zidane/Dagger/Steiner/Freya: **…THE HELL?!?

Mikoto steps of stage as the lights flare up, revealing the Sons of Vivi. They don't do much other than a cute little dance and simply sitting there looking cute.

**Audience: **AWWWWWWW!

**Zidane/Dagger/Steiner/Freya: **…

After about two hours of this Mikoto stepped back onto the stage.****

**Mikoto: **And now it gives me great pleasure to welcome on stage the Mage who made this all possible…the one, the only…BIG DADDY V!!!

**Dagger: **…Please tell me I misheard her.

**Steiner: **You want me to lie?

At this point Vivi walks out onto the stage. He is dressed as he always is, except he is now wearing more gold jewelery than a coachful of gangsta rappers and a small monitor flashing the letter V is attached to his hat. Flabbergasted wouldn't come close to describing how the gang feel.

**Vivi: **YO YO YO! WHA'S GOIN' DOWN ON THE EASTSIDE BRO?!

**Zidane: **…This is more disturbing than Queen Bhrane strip teasing.

**Dagger: **Yeah, it…waaaaiiit a minute…

*****

Later, backstage…

**Vivi: **YOYO YO! Wha's goin' down my homies?

**Freya: **Be still Child of Disturbing Chatter and we shall tell thee.

**Dagger: **Yeah, but first you have to tell us what's going on.

**Mikoto: **You mean this? It all started when a few people of Conde Petite came by and saw the kids for the first time.

**Vivi: **Yeah, all them hoes and homies took one look and went all crazy man! We got to thinking that we could build a show around them.

**Steiner: **So you've set up a show whereby you pay complete strangers to gawk at your children for two hours?

**Vivi/Mikoto: **Yep.

**Steiner: **Well, you'll forgive me if I say that this is the most despicable, evil…

**Mikoto: **We make about 6 million Gil a night.

**Steiner: **…I don't suppose your looking for another partner are you?

**Freya: **ENOUGH! Come Child of Questionable Fashion and join us in our quest to find the Eye of Losstarot before the sinister Dr. Sebastian D. Lunatic!

**Vivi: **…Whachoo talkin' about?

**Dagger: **We'll explain later. If you come along you might get a chance to promote your show.

Vivi and Mikoto exchange glances.

**Vivi: **Aight foo'! Big Daddy V will join you on your trippin' quest! But first, a kinda toast!

Vivi and Mikoto takes out some cigars and offer them to the others. They decline, whereupon the duo starts to smoke.

**Vivi/Mikoto: **COUGH! HACK! WHEEZE! URRRRGH!

**Zidane: **…Erm…maybe you guys should lay off the cigars…

**Vivi/Mikoto: **But…they're…so…CLASSY!

They smoke some more.

**Vivi/Mikoto: **HACK! HACK! WHEEZE! 

*****

Back at the Field of Ultimate Doom outside of Alexandria…

**Black Waltz 1: **Now hold on a second, let's not be hasty!

Pan out to reveal all three Black Waltzes suspended over a pot of boiling oil. A clearly deranged Rinoa is standing next to the rope holding them up with a sword in her hand.

**Rinoa: **Hee, hee, hee…

**Black Waltz 2: **C'mon! We're not even the people you're after! Let us go!

**Rinoa: **Maybe you aren't the king and queen, but you've made me waste my time discovering that for myself! FOR THIS YOU MUST D-

Rinoa is cut off by a Hatchback driving up to them and parking a few feet away. A man gets out of the passenger side, his silver hair blowing in the wind. The eyes of the Black Waltzes quadruple in size.

**Black Waltzes: **KUJA!

**Kuja: **Yes it is I. Again. 

**Rinoa: **Pfft! I don't care who you are, this 'ere execution is going ahead right now! (pulls back blade)

**Kuja: **You wish to gain revenge against Zidane and Garnet do you not?

**Rinoa **(cautiously)**: **Yeeeeesssss…

**Kuja: **So do we. If you join us we can strike against them together, rule Gaia and campaign for a decent dental plan.

**Rinoa **(teary eyed)**: **Really?

**Kuja: **Really really.

**Rinoa: **YAHOOIE! You can count me in!

**Kuja: **Excellent. Allow me then to take this opportunity to introduce the man who will help us achieve this aim.

Kuja gestures to the Hatchback. The driver's door opens and out steps a man dressed in an orange bodysuit, yellow thigh high boots with small black cartoon skulls painted on each knee, a silver metal vest with the letter 'G' painted on the front, a yellow gas tank on his back, a gas mask and a blond Mohawk. He dusts down his knees and points at the startled Rinoa and the Waltzes. He is…

**Gas-O: **YEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAA!!!

To be continued…


	5. Amarant

Chapter 5: Amarant

The next day in Burmecia…

**Zidane: **Ok then everyone ready? Let's board the 'Sky Goddess' and get out of this dump!

**Random Burmecian: **Hey!

**Dagger: **Nah, let's continue our journey on foot.

**Zidane: **What? Why would we do that when we've got a snazzy airship which can travel the world in a matter of nanoseconds? 

**Dagger **(forcefully)**: **Because I want to.

**Zidane: **Ok dear.

Dagger sets off towards the city's exit.

**Steiner/Freya/Vivi: **(all three make a whipping noise accompanied by a whipping hand motion)

**Zidane: **Shut up.

*****

A few hours later…

**Freya: **Methinks we are lost my Badly Dressed Companions.

**Vivi: **YO YO YO! Big Daddy V most definitely agreein' with the screwy rat-chick.

**Dagger: **We are not lost. And what did I tell you about using that stupid name?

**Steiner: **At least we're lost in a nice, safe place…

Pan out to reveal that the Fantastic Five are lost in the most foreboding dark woods ever seen anywhere, uh…ever. It makes the Evil Forest look…slightly less evil…in comparison.

**Zidane: **You know, if this were a cartoon, the baddie would pop out right about…NOW!

Almost as if on cue, a Mysterious Figure leaps out of a bush and challenges the Quartet of Justice!

**All: **GASP!

We now go into Battle Mode. Dagger ATP bar fills up first so she starts the combat off.

**Dagger: **I summon Ark!

The camera pans up to focus on the heavens as a ship blasts out of the void. All well and good save for the fact that it isn't Ark. It is in fact an Earth style purple and black jet with twinned purple insignia on either wing. As it flies it transforms into a robot very much unlike Ark. Dagger squints up at him.

**Dagger: **You're not Ark! Who the hell are you?!?

**Skywarp: **The name's Skywarp, luv. I'm standing in for Ark while he's away on…uh, business.

Cut to a party about three hundred miles away where Ark has his arm around an attractive femmebot.

**Ark: **Why yes I DO happen to know Metroplex personally…

Cut back to the battle.

**Dagger: **I don't care what kind of business he's on! I WANT MY ARK!

**Skywarp: **But I'm just as good as he is! Look, (shows off his arm cannons), null rays!

**Dagger: **I don't care! You're not Ark and that's all that matters!

**Skywarp **(under his breath)**: **Ungrateful little brat…

**Dagger: **WHAT?!?!?!

**All: **Uh-oh…

**Dagger **(raising her voice to ultra-sonic levels)**: ***(&*&^*%^&%^&$%^$%^£$!

The force of the cursing causes Skywarp to burst into flames and fall out of the sky.

**Skywarp: **I REGRET NOTTHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGG! 

He crashes a distance away.

**Dagger: **Well, that was unexpected. (she looks over at the Mysterious Figure, now unconscious on the ground) But at least only our enemies were hurt.

**Steiner: **MY EARS JUST FELL OFF!!!!

*****

Five minutes and much gluing on later…

**Zidane: **Now then, let's see who our assailant is.

Zidane removes the Mysterious Figure's mask (he was a Masked Mysterious Figure doncha know) to reveal…

**Zidane/Steiner/Dagger/Vivi: **AMARANT!

**Freya: **BOB MARLEY!

**Amarant **(suddenly regaining consciousness)**: **Yes it is I, Amarant Coral, though I have many names…

**Dagger: **I'm sure you do. Why did you attack us?

**Amarant: **I didn't know it was you. I forgot to add eyeholes to my mask.

**Freya: **Lo, thy excuse be flimsier than Selphie Tilmitt's entire wardrobe.

**Amarant **(thinking)**: **She insulted me! Must think up devastating and witty comeback…

**Amarant **(out loud)**: **Is not!

**Amarant **(thinking)**: **Swish!

**Vivi: **YO YO YO! Big Daddy V wants to know why you tried to lay the smackdown on our well-toned asses!

**Amarant: **Well, you see this is my fourth attempt at a career…

Cut now to a montage of Amarant trying his hand at various jobs. In his first job he is seen trying to deep-fry a customer who didn't like his serving technique, in the second he's running from twelve Siberian tigers whose cage he was cleaning and in the third he's a surgeon in the middle of an operation. 

**Amarant: **HA! I've done it! I've successfully managed to transfer the head of a rare Conde Petite Sea Lion onto the body of a 26-year-old human male! 

**Nurse: **But…doctor, you were only supposed to give this man liposuction.

**Amarant: **Was I? (goes even whiter than normal) Ah yes…well, I'll fix this just after I've gotten something from my car. Excuse me…

Amarant calmly walks out of the operating theater. Once out, he goes from walking to running. A minute or two later a car can be heard starting up and driving away at high speed.

**Nurse: **…I don't think he's coming back.

Cut back to the gang in the Eviler Forest.

**Amarant: **…and at that point highwayman seemed like a good career choice.

**Zidane: **Oooooookkkkaaaayyyyy…anyway, how would you like to join us in our quest to retrieve the Eye of Losstarot?

**Amarant: **The Eye of Losstarot you say? How much is it worth?

**Freya: **FOOL! Ye would put a price on saving the world from the nefarious Dr. Sebastian D. Lunatic?!?

**Amarant: **…Huh?

**Dagger: **Long story, tell you later. Are you in or out?

 

**Amarant: **Hmmm…in.

**Zidane: **Good. Now what say we camp down for the night and-

**Amarant: **NIGHT?!?!? (looks at his watch) Oh no, I've got to leave!

**Steiner: **Huh? Why?

**Amarant **(writhing slightly)**: **Must…go! I can't let you see my horrible horrible secret!

**Vivi: **What?!

**Amarant: **Uh, I mean…I can't let you see my horrible horrible secret!

And with that Amarant runs off.

**Zidane: **Oh well, at least things can't get any weirder.

Cut to a bush a small distance away where Gas-O is spying on the gang.

**Gas-O: **That's what YOU think Zidane! In fact, thing's are about to get weird…TO THE EXTREME!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

**Dagger: **Someone's in that bush a small distance away!

**Gas-O: **D'OH!

To be continued…


	6. Eiko

Chapter 6: Eiko 

When last we left our heroes in the Eviler Forest, they were just about to discover Gas-O lurking in a bush! Find out what they'll do to him…right now!

**Gas-O: **Ok, ok, stay calm, maybe they'll just dismiss me as a squirrel if I stay perfectly still…

**Steiner: **C'mon everybody! Let's hack and slash that bush and whatever's in it to pieces! Even if it's just a squirrel it means we'll eat well tonight!

**All: **YEAH! 

Gas-O: Ah damn it! 

Realizing that his cover was blown Gas-O leapt out of his bush to the accompaniment of the second best Bust-A-Groove song ever, Chemical Love.

**Vivi: **YO YO YO! ROCK DA HOUSE! (gets his groove on)

**Dagger: **Stop that! (smacks Vivi, then turns to Gas-O) Who are you? And where the hell is that music coming from?

**Gas-O: **Err…well, I can answer that in one clear, concise word…

Quick as a flash Gas-O reached behind his back and whipped out his control pad.

**Gas-O **(pushing the buttons)**: **YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!

The Fabulous Five stared at Gas-O for a moment, then as one peered upwards at the rapidly approaching whistling sound above them. They didn't even have time to look shocked as the tubes slammed down on top of them, immersing them in a green gunky liquid.

**Gas-O: **I-I did it…I DID IT! I BEAT THE FF9 HEROES!! WOO! GO ME!!!

Gas-O prances off laughing at his triumph, leaving the gang trapped in the tubes.

**Everyone **(thinking)**: **This bites…

*****

In a field just outside the Eviler Forest lies Skywarp, badly damaged after Dagger's verbal attack but still alive. After a few seconds of silence a large octopus wraps his tentacles around the bot and drags him off, smiling a maniacal smile. A brief peek at his tentacles reveals that he has purple skin.

**Octopus: **Uhee hee hee…

*****

The next morning the gang are exiting the Eviler Forest and heading towards a town in the distance. Amarant is there with them and is the only one not covered with gunk. As the team continued to walk Zidane slowed down and fell in line with the lagging warrior.

**Zidane: **We could have used your help last night.

**Amarant: **Just be glad I saved you the following morning.

They walk on for a second longer in a sullen silence before a look of concern crosses the Genome's face.

**Zidane: **Amarant…is there something wrong?

**Amarant: **…

**Zidane **(putting a hand on Amarant's shoulder)**: **Look, if there's something bothering you, you know you can come to us right? We're your friends. No matter what it is, we can get you through it, OK? You just have to open up to us.

Amarant looks up at Zidane. Although his eyes are hidden by the swarm of red lice infesting the top of his head, you can see a sort of happy relief cross his features. Summoning the required courage, Amarant opened his mouth to talk about the horrible, horrible nighttime secret which had plagued his very soul for so long.

**Zidane: **OOH! A FWUFFY KAWAII SQUIRREL!!!!!

Amarant's mouth slowly closes as he watches Zidane chase the unfortunate rodent around nine trees, giggling all the while. Suddenly…

**Dagger: **YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!!

As one the rest of the gang crowded around Dagger as she stared at the city's welcoming sign which read:

Welcome to Burmecia! Crime free for 6 minutes now!

**Steiner: **What the…?

**Dagger: **How the hell did we end up back here ?!? For god's sake I left a trail of Yum Yum Potato Chips behind us so we wouldn't end up getting turned around!

Dagger's rant is cut off by a crunching noise. Turning around the gang gazed at Amarant as he guiltily ate the last chip.

**Amarant: **Were they meant to be markers? I thought I had gotten lucky.

**Dagger **(thinking)**: **Must…control…fist…of…death…!

**Zidane: **Look, why don't we just use the Sky Goddess? It would certainly be easier than walking back into that forest.

**Dagger **(sighing)**: **Fine…

The Sinister Six walk into Burmecia only to find it eerily deserted. As one they whip out their respective weapons.

**Zidane: **Okay everyone stay on your toes. Who knows what we could be facing.

The Super Sextuplets walk on until they reach the Burmecian Cineplex (yes you read correctly) where the entire town has gathered for a film premiere.

**Zidane: **Good gravy, what an anti-climax…

Sheathing their weapons the gang join the massive crowd just as a spokesperson walks out on the hastily built stage.

**Spokesperson: **And now ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for! The star of "Betsy McCute and the Fwuffy Wittle Aliens of Kawaii 9", give it up for…EIKO CAROL!!!

The entire crowd erupts in a frenzy of cheering and clapping as Eiko walks out clad in her old gear but now with a fur coat nine sizes too big and a pair of fun sized sunglasses.

**Eiko: **HELOOOOOOO BURMECIA!!

**Burmecians: **HELOOOOOO EIKO!!

**Dagger **(to Zidane)**: **Are you seeing a pattern here?

**Zidane: **You mean how we've managed to find almost the entire team in the one place? Yeah I have. In fact, it's almost as if we're being manipulated by a fanfiction author with far too little imagination to have us meet them elsewhere…

Zidane and Dagger stare at each other for a moment before bursting out with laughter.

**Both: **YEAH RIGHT!

*****

Afterwards…

**Eiko: **Dr. Sebastian D. Lunatic?

**Freya: **Verily. The fiend would command entire schools of helpless mackerel to do his evil bidding lest we stop him.

Eiko glances at Dagger, who makes the international sign of 'humor her'.

**Eiko: **Okay, I'm in. When do we leave?

**Steiner: **What about the film premiere?

**Eiko: **I wasn't going to go in anyway. Health reasons.

**Amarant: **Health reasons?

**Eiko: **Mmm-hmm. Take a look at this.

Eiko shifts through a pile of movie posters and pulls out one depicting her new movie. It's sickeningly cute: Eiko is seen prancing in a filed with big eyed insanely Kawaii aliens and forest creatures as a smiley face sunbeams down on them. The gang stiffen as one as they stare at it.

**All: **ACK!

**Eiko: **Y'see, the film is so overloaded with sugary cuteness that just gazing at the promotional poster leads to a massive rise in blood sugar levels. Half the people who watched the film postproduction ended up with diabetes. The people in there now had surgery to fit cuteness filters into their eyes. I'm too young to have them.

Eiko stops talking as she notices the gang are standing stock still with odd little expressions on their faces.

**Eiko: **Um…are you guys all right?

**Zidane: **Us? We're fine, fine…say, you wouldn't happen to know where the nearest hospital is do you?

To be continued…

Next week: Yet another character from a completely different form of entertainment marks the FF9 Krew as her enemy! PLUS! The purple octopus is revealed as…GUESS WHOOOO?


End file.
